i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
