Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
