Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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