im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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