I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
