I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
