What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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