Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
