so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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