I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
