I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
