is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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