well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
