i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
