Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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