Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
