Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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