Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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