I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
