the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
