She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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