Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
