I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
