I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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