I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
