One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
