Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
