I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
