got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
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