I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
