Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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