he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
