i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
