I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
