Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
