I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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