Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
