Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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