he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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