I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
