is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
