I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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