I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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