Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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