I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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