Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
