I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
