In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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