I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
