went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
