I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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