Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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