I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
