i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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