Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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