I want you more than these girls want KFC
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
